#6

Okay. So. I don't have anything in particular to talk about. Literally nothing. But I'm in the mood to write. And for some reason, I seem to write better (?) when I'm "in my feelings" hahaha poyo gila but yeah. I think I express myself better when I'm feeling mellow, melancholic. I honestly envy people, poets especially, who are able to write and come up with all these happy, dandy pieces. I wish I could. But I personally feel that I convey my thoughts best in word form when I'm feeling blue.

And now I'm having one of those days where I'm sad for no solid reason but these hormones can be such a bish at that time of the month. Like STOP MESSING WITH MY FEELINGS DAMN IT

Ah. Bodoh la. I'm gonna take a shower and come back to rant. Or whatever. I don't know.

#5

Okay so in a previous post I mentioned that I tend to question/wonder what's the reason behind God placing new people in my life, right? More specifically, I was wondering why this one particular person lingered around. To which by the way, we're still talking till this very day.

I'll get straight to the point. I think I figured out why. To put it in the simplest way possible, I could be totally overstretching things but I THINK he was sent to me as a "test run". I'm sorry. I don't know if that sounds rude or like he's an experiment but alaaa, you know how some people are sent your direction to teach you valuable life lessons? Yeah I'm pretty positive he's sent down as an eye opener. Talking to him made me realize that I am faaar from ready when it comes to being in a relationship.

I miss being in one. Miss having that one person that I can pour all my sayang to. The kind of sayang I reserve only for my significant other. Yeah I miss all that crap. But I'm content being single. Tapi tipu la kalau kata tak rindu the ups and downs and high and lows that comes with being in a relationship

Why I say he's a test run is because he made me realize that I'm not ready. Before this, I was pretty confident to get back into the game. Thought I grew mentally and that I've learned from my mistakes. Well, granted, I did. But not in all departments. Turns out I still have A LOT to learn and self improve. After getting to know him and talking to him, I realized that I'm still stuck in the same loop. I haven't let go of many things. One of my biggest concerns is my jealousy. I need to belajar how to control it and gain control of my feelings. It's still on auto pilot. And I don't want to bring this perangai into any new relationship I hop into.

So that's pretty much it. Writing this isn't so much of me trying to sedapkan hati but rather it's a sudden realization. And surprisingly, I seem to be accepting it. Kira nya macam, I terima lah this theory if it is true. Goes to show that there's still a lot more room for improvement and I still need to polish up here and there. I'll gladly do so. Considering I am willing to change for the better and for my own benefit.

So I thank you. I thank you for coming into my life. I thank God, especially, for sending someone my way, to open my eyes. Even if it is temporary... even if he someone that is lent temporarily. I accept it wholeheartedly.

Heroine - Lana Del Rey

#3

I think about you a lot lately. I don't tell people 'cause they don't understand. At first it felt weird. At some point, I even started to scare myself. But along the road, the thoughts started to become frequent. Almost became a habit. I think about you while I drive, while I'm in the passenger seat, at work, when I'm eating, when I'm on the bed staring at the ceiling. You started off as an uncomfortable thought. Then it became somewhat comforting. And before I knew it, I grew fond at the thought of you.

In all honesty, I'm not even sure why it's your name that keeps ringing in my mind. We've ended our chapters and closed the book years ago. So many years ago. Lately ni je yang I suddenly terfikir fikir balik. Safe to say, everyday tau that I think of you. There was no trigger. Nothing appeared right in front of me that immediately brought my mind to you. You just sort of.. surfaced. So much so that I'm not even sure if you've ever left.

It is worth mentioning however, I saw you from afar. A couple of weeks back. At a wedding. God, you looked dashing. That was the first time I saw you in years. The last time I saw you was back in 2012. Only for a few minutes before you sped off. Masa tu kita belum kenal erti rindu lagi. I didn't know I'd miss you this much. All these years.. I told myself that kita memang sah sah takda jodoh. Because our paths never crossed. Despite us living on close streets, we go to the same places, the chances of me bumping into you on a regular day is so damn high. But yet, God protected me from seeing you, even though I would've killed to see you from afar. My best friend has had better luck of seeing you haha she even curi curi ambil gambar and sent it to me. That was the closest I could get.

Until two weeks back. When you were sitting a few tables away from me. All I could afford was just to look at you from far behind. But I'm thankful. 'Cause for so many years, that was all I asked for. To be able to even get a glance. Biar lah dari jauh pun.

After pouring all of my thoughts and feelings into word form.. it's actually coming together. It's starting to make sense. I guess it's understandable as to why you circle my mind and occupy my thoughts. You've left a massive impact in my life. Unforgettable, most definitely. And I guess there has always been a nest that I've mentally laid out for you; the same as the soft spot I'll always have for you.

I still miss you. I doubt that I'm supposed to. But there's no rule saying that I can't. I just wanted to let this off my chest. As per usual, I'd resort to writing as a temporary outlet to shelve my feelings. I know you're doing great. I hope you get to achieve all those great things you've wanted in life. Every single thing. You're a big dreamer. I wish for all the success to be in your very hands, and your family whom I've once loved equally as much. Goodnight.

Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley