#6

Okay. So. I don't have anything in particular to talk about. Literally nothing. But I'm in the mood to write. And for some reason, I seem to write better (?) when I'm "in my feelings" hahaha poyo gila but yeah. I think I express myself better when I'm feeling mellow, melancholic. I honestly envy people, poets especially, who are able to write and come up with all these happy, dandy pieces. I wish I could. But I personally feel that I convey my thoughts best in word form when I'm feeling blue.

And now I'm having one of those days where I'm sad for no solid reason but these hormones can be such a bish at that time of the month. Like STOP MESSING WITH MY FEELINGS DAMN IT

Ah. Bodoh la. I'm gonna take a shower and come back to rant. Or whatever. I don't know.

#5

Okay so in a previous post I mentioned that I tend to question/wonder what's the reason behind God placing new people in my life, right? More specifically, I was wondering why this one particular person lingered around. To which by the way, we're still talking till this very day.

I'll get straight to the point. I think I figured out why. To put it in the simplest way possible, I could be totally overstretching things but I THINK he was sent to me as a "test run". I'm sorry. I don't know if that sounds rude or like he's an experiment but alaaa, you know how some people are sent your direction to teach you valuable life lessons? Yeah I'm pretty positive he's sent down as an eye opener. Talking to him made me realize that I am faaar from ready when it comes to being in a relationship.

I miss being in one. Miss having that one person that I can pour all my sayang to. The kind of sayang I reserve only for my significant other. Yeah I miss all that crap. But I'm content being single. Tapi tipu la kalau kata tak rindu the ups and downs and high and lows that comes with being in a relationship

Why I say he's a test run is because he made me realize that I'm not ready. Before this, I was pretty confident to get back into the game. Thought I grew mentally and that I've learned from my mistakes. Well, granted, I did. But not in all departments. Turns out I still have A LOT to learn and self improve. After getting to know him and talking to him, I realized that I'm still stuck in the same loop. I haven't let go of many things. One of my biggest concerns is my jealousy. I need to belajar how to control it and gain control of my feelings. It's still on auto pilot. And I don't want to bring this perangai into any new relationship I hop into.

So that's pretty much it. Writing this isn't so much of me trying to sedapkan hati but rather it's a sudden realization. And surprisingly, I seem to be accepting it. Kira nya macam, I terima lah this theory if it is true. Goes to show that there's still a lot more room for improvement and I still need to polish up here and there. I'll gladly do so. Considering I am willing to change for the better and for my own benefit.

So I thank you. I thank you for coming into my life. I thank God, especially, for sending someone my way, to open my eyes. Even if it is temporary... even if he someone that is lent temporarily. I accept it wholeheartedly.

Heroine - Lana Del Rey

#3

I think about you a lot lately. I don't tell people 'cause they don't understand. At first it felt weird. At some point, I even started to scare myself. But along the road, the thoughts started to become frequent. Almost became a habit. I think about you while I drive, while I'm in the passenger seat, at work, when I'm eating, when I'm on the bed staring at the ceiling. You started off as an uncomfortable thought. Then it became somewhat comforting. And before I knew it, I grew fond at the thought of you.

In all honesty, I'm not even sure why it's your name that keeps ringing in my mind. We've ended our chapters and closed the book years ago. So many years ago. Lately ni je yang I suddenly terfikir fikir balik. Safe to say, everyday tau that I think of you. There was no trigger. Nothing appeared right in front of me that immediately brought my mind to you. You just sort of.. surfaced. So much so that I'm not even sure if you've ever left.

It is worth mentioning however, I saw you from afar. A couple of weeks back. At a wedding. God, you looked dashing. That was the first time I saw you in years. The last time I saw you was back in 2012. Only for a few minutes before you sped off. Masa tu kita belum kenal erti rindu lagi. I didn't know I'd miss you this much. All these years.. I told myself that kita memang sah sah takda jodoh. Because our paths never crossed. Despite us living on close streets, we go to the same places, the chances of me bumping into you on a regular day is so damn high. But yet, God protected me from seeing you, even though I would've killed to see you from afar. My best friend has had better luck of seeing you haha she even curi curi ambil gambar and sent it to me. That was the closest I could get.

Until two weeks back. When you were sitting a few tables away from me. All I could afford was just to look at you from far behind. But I'm thankful. 'Cause for so many years, that was all I asked for. To be able to even get a glance. Biar lah dari jauh pun.

After pouring all of my thoughts and feelings into word form.. it's actually coming together. It's starting to make sense. I guess it's understandable as to why you circle my mind and occupy my thoughts. You've left a massive impact in my life. Unforgettable, most definitely. And I guess there has always been a nest that I've mentally laid out for you; the same as the soft spot I'll always have for you.

I still miss you. I doubt that I'm supposed to. But there's no rule saying that I can't. I just wanted to let this off my chest. As per usual, I'd resort to writing as a temporary outlet to shelve my feelings. I know you're doing great. I hope you get to achieve all those great things you've wanted in life. Every single thing. You're a big dreamer. I wish for all the success to be in your very hands, and your family whom I've once loved equally as much. Goodnight.

Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley

#1

"Happy" New Year. So they say, during every ending of December and beginning of January. I don't know. "Happy" doesn't seem to cut it for me. Let's be real. A new year is nothing but :

Well, more or less. It comes in a package, the good and bad, the ups and downs. Mostly throughout 2016, my inner pessimist took control. I used to be that optimist who had that annoyingly sunny outlook towards everything. Not saying that it's a bad thing. Cuma, I learned that being a tad bit cynical keeps me grounded. I trained myself to have less expectations from people that are close to me and I became free from disappointment. It's one of the things I kept reminding myself on the daily; it's better to anticipate the worst instead of hoping for the best. I swear, this helped me get through my darkest days.

Actual representation of me celebrating new year

Speaking of dark days, that's pretty much what the entire year threw at me. Dark, shitty days. I went through a messy breakup. After 4 years of being together. Guess what? It took me eight, close to nine, months to get over him. Moving on DOES NOT come easy for me. Maybe it's because I never had a proper 'moving on' phase. Or maybe it's because I find it hard to cut all ropes and ties associated with the person I love. To terminate all feelings was already impossible, but imagine having to witness the person you love start a journey with someone else, make a second appearance in your life giving you the falsest of hope only to disappear with someone else once again. But, thank god, it's safe to say that I've finally moved on. Took me 8-9 months but it felt like an eternity passed. And I'm glad that I moved on without any resentment or bottled up hatred towards my ex. After all that shit, there was a time when I despised his guts. I wanted him to be miserable and I had all sorts of these negative feelings that consumed me whole. That lasted for quite some time. But, I surprised myself. Slowly, it became easier to see his pictures without getting heartache. I was able to download my social media apps (yeah I was stupid enough to delete all just so that I could avoid seeing him anywhere) and what surprised me most was that I realized that I started to feel happy for him. Happy for his new relationship. I no longer felt despise or resentment. It was at that moment that I knew, I moved on. And let me tell you, the feeling was ELEVATING. It made me feel a thousand times more at ease. I wasn't putting up a pretentious front. I was genuinely happy for him. Because that meant that I'm a free bird now. I broke free from my shackles and cage. I wasn't trapped in the same loophole.

Wrapping up '16, I'll try to cram in what I can recall. There's too much to write. So I'll write sikit sikit only. Just enough for me to refer back to this post in the future and recap what happened. Speaking of the nasty breakup, there actually was some good that came out of it - it opened my eyes to make me see that even though I lost one, I always had so many others. My friends. They are god-sent. After the breakup, I couldn't be alone. Not a minute alone. I had to have company with me at all times in fear that I'll have constant meltdowns (which I did every time I was alone). If I'm not with family, I'd have a friend to accompany me.

*Shout out to my homegirl Audrey; God knows how many hundreds of hours you spent teman-ing me through skype. I was able to function through my days with your help. Every night, without fail, for months in a row, you slept and woke up with me on the other side of the screen. Just to make sure I wasn't alone. And you of all people, know the most. Anything that happens or anything I plan to do, I run by you first. So that you can keep me in check and make sure I don't plot my own death. This girl would drive all the way from cheras just to see me and spend time with me. My family loves you like their own. You're the first adopted chinese kid hahaha thank you homegirl. I'm indebted to you.

2016 made me realize that my friends truly stick to their word when they say they have my back. They really do. I have friends that would talk on the phone with me for half an hour just so that they know I drove to college and back in one piece. Now that's dedication. That's love. Friends that would check on me randomly to see how I'm doing. Friends that knock sense into me by showing me tough love. Friends that cried with me when I was drowning in tears. Friends who made themselves available to make time for me. These are friends that I've always talked to, but were never this close in the first place. So maybe, maybe, the breakup was for the better. I gained a lot of friends who care about me more than I could for myself.

Speaking of which, I met a few new people as well. This is the most people I've met in the span of all four years. Yeah, I was THAT loyal sampai ke tahap I don't bother layan-ing or approaching new people. Bodoh nya come to think of it. Don't get me wrong. Be loyal. Please, be faithful to your companion. But my mistake was shutting the door completely to new people. I was so blinded by love that I mistakenly twisted the perception of staying faithful. Just because we meet new people, doesn't mean we're not faithful kan? That's where I went wrong. I was too caught up in jaga-ing the relationship, that I missed the opportunity of meeting great people. But hey, thankfully enough I managed to meet new acquaintances before the year came to a close. Great people. Although there are some who didn't make the cut. But maybe there's a reason for that. God painted a silver lining in everything.

That about wraps it up. There's A LOT more but I'll save that for a rainy day. I can't recall much now. Plus, most of it isn't important. For now, I wanna get my head out of the gutter and focus on what's to come. I don't wanna keep poking my head in the past. This year, I wanna be the character I wanna be. I wanna be the golden child to my parents, build myself spiritually, be dedicated in my studies and be the kind of friend I wanna be. As a tribute to '16, I gotta give credit to all the hard patches I went through. It toughened my shell. All the battles I fought, made me a warrior. And for that, I can't be more thankful. I entered 2017 as a soldier. Stronger than I imagined I'd be. Alhamdulillah. Hope everyone of you has a kickass year ahead with endless happiness, success, health & love. 2017, I embrace you with open arms. Come hell or high water, I got my sword, I'm ready.