#11

Babe,
I know now, that it's not because I wasn't enough for you.
I was too much for you.
I gave you more than you could carry.
But babe, don't get me wrong,
It's not because you were any less for me,
It's because I had too much to give.

You could promise me the moon and the stars,
And I would find a million ways to build a rocketship.
You would tell me that you'd call me before you sleep,
And I would wait until you woke up the next day.
Because it's easier to promise
But it's harder to bear

For years, it was me chasing relentlessly after you.
It was me shouting to a brick wall hoping you'd hear.
It was always me who wanted more of you.
But you thought I wanted more from you.
No, babe.
I couldn't get enough of you.
Ten hours wasn't enough.
Two days wasn't enough.
"Just five more minutes" wasn't enough.
Forever, at that point, would never be enough.

And for each minute that I missed you,
I prayed for love,
I prayed to understand,
I prayed for you,
I'd keep saying your name in my prayers,
Because it was once an answer to mine.

I never understood how you did it, babe.
How could one have the heart just to up and leave?
But I learned the hard way,
That it's possible to nurture a plant too much,
Just like how it's possible to overwhelm a person with love.
I offered you planets when you only wanted a star,
I gave you quarters when you only needed pennies,
I strived to bring you the sun when you only needed a flashlight,
I have given you all of what I'm made of, but what you needed was someone new.

It took me years to truly understand,
What you meant when you said we don't belong together.
It took me years to truly fathom,
That what you said was true.
It took me years to realize,
That it was you who has been patient with me.
It took me years to accept the fate that was written for us.

And so I thank you, babe,
I thank you for giving me insight,
Thank you for staying with me, although unwillingly,
Thank you nonetheless.

I wish only happiness and nothing but the best upon you,
I don't miss you like I used to,
But I'm in a better state of being,
And babe, I hope you are too. 

#6

Okay. So. I don't have anything in particular to talk about. Literally nothing. But I'm in the mood to write. And for some reason, I seem to write better (?) when I'm "in my feelings" hahaha poyo gila but yeah. I think I express myself better when I'm feeling mellow, melancholic. I honestly envy people, poets especially, who are able to write and come up with all these happy, dandy pieces. I wish I could. But I personally feel that I convey my thoughts best in word form when I'm feeling blue.

And now I'm having one of those days where I'm sad for no solid reason but these hormones can be such a bish at that time of the month. Like STOP MESSING WITH MY FEELINGS DAMN IT

Ah. Bodoh la. I'm gonna take a shower and come back to rant. Or whatever. I don't know.

#5

Okay so in a previous post I mentioned that I tend to question/wonder what's the reason behind God placing new people in my life, right? More specifically, I was wondering why this one particular person lingered around. To which by the way, we're still talking till this very day.

I'll get straight to the point. I think I figured out why. To put it in the simplest way possible, I could be totally overstretching things but I THINK he was sent to me as a "test run". I'm sorry. I don't know if that sounds rude or like he's an experiment but alaaa, you know how some people are sent your direction to teach you valuable life lessons? Yeah I'm pretty positive he's sent down as an eye opener. Talking to him made me realize that I am faaar from ready when it comes to being in a relationship.

I miss being in one. Miss having that one person that I can pour all my sayang to. The kind of sayang I reserve only for my significant other. Yeah I miss all that crap. But I'm content being single. Tapi tipu la kalau kata tak rindu the ups and downs and high and lows that comes with being in a relationship

Why I say he's a test run is because he made me realize that I'm not ready. Before this, I was pretty confident to get back into the game. Thought I grew mentally and that I've learned from my mistakes. Well, granted, I did. But not in all departments. Turns out I still have A LOT to learn and self improve. After getting to know him and talking to him, I realized that I'm still stuck in the same loop. I haven't let go of many things. One of my biggest concerns is my jealousy. I need to belajar how to control it and gain control of my feelings. It's still on auto pilot. And I don't want to bring this perangai into any new relationship I hop into.

So that's pretty much it. Writing this isn't so much of me trying to sedapkan hati but rather it's a sudden realization. And surprisingly, I seem to be accepting it. Kira nya macam, I terima lah this theory if it is true. Goes to show that there's still a lot more room for improvement and I still need to polish up here and there. I'll gladly do so. Considering I am willing to change for the better and for my own benefit.

So I thank you. I thank you for coming into my life. I thank God, especially, for sending someone my way, to open my eyes. Even if it is temporary... even if he someone that is lent temporarily. I accept it wholeheartedly.

Heroine - Lana Del Rey